Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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