And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
