Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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