I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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