tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
