My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
