Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
