so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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