I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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