meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
