I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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