It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
