We won't sleep together?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
