My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
