Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize