I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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