you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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