i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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