i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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