So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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