why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
