Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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