i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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