If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
