seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
