So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
