She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
