My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize