I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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