Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I did not marry a roomba.
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