At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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