gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize