remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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