I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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