Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize