I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So many bounce houses so little time
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
