and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
