You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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