your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
