I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
