I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
