I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize