right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
