I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
