Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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