last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
