i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the day after is always just damage control
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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