she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
