do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
