How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
