If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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