Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
