my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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