My friends, they love my intelligence
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You can't special order awesome
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
