tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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