so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
